flowers and forgiveness

and find the place where every single thing you see ,

tells you to stay.

-seeker

so this is what happens when you haven’t blogged in a long time and you don’t know how to start.

(fyi- im writing this as i think about the process of moving away and what the last 3 months have taught me)

so lets start from the beginning. my name is Violet and i haven’t written in a while so i hope this makes sense.

in exactly 47 days i leave my hometown for what seems to be indefinitely.

these past 6 months for me have been such a whirlwind. such an up and down slope sometimes i forget to stop and breathe. i think these have been the busiest 6 months of my life.

but i’m happy. i think. i hope. i aspire to be.

every day.

there has been one thing that hasn’t slipped from my mind lately and its so overwhelming its changed, absolutely everything for me.

its the seasons. the seasons of life. the seasons that we live in. the seasons that just pass us by and we don’t notice they’re gone until they are then you can’t get them back. like for example, i see my dad and my little sister sitting on the couch reading and it’s something so normal you wouldn’t even think of it but the other day i saw them and cried inside a little. because one day a long time ago, that was me. and not only that- but i soon won’t see that anymore. soon that season too, will pass. there’s the drive that i have taken home for more than 2 years that soon won’t be the same. and the way the sun sets after a big monsoon storm. and the park in front of my house that i always go to when im sad and i need to think.

i seem to have forgotten over the years that these things one day will be different. and one day is so close now.

there was a season of my life years ago where i thought i could live without anyone- definitely not in the mean way you would think but more in the way that i felt self sufficient. but i was also 18.

there’s the season where i was in love, so in love i thought i was floating. i thought pain and love were interchangeable.

theres the season where i couldn’t think of peppermints or empanadas without crying.

and theres the season where i thought i couldn’t live without someone, and here i am- living without him.

there’s the weird season that i don’t remember. when i couldn’t wake up ever and i blocked everything out.

the season where i would listen to joan sebastian in the car with my dad all the time. i attribute my love to him to the fact that my mom went to his concert when she was pregnant.

there’s the season that im living in now where i am trying to hold onto every last bit of memory i have of my home. my sisters laugh. the drive that i’ve taken home for the past 3 years. the sunsets. one of my best friends being pregnant with her first child. i can’t wait to meet dear little clara. and i don’t want to miss a single moment. but i also feel like i can no longer stay where i’ve always been.

theres the season when strangers turned into friends and then turned into strangers again. and that it can be quite terrifying to not have someone anymore and live in a world without them. to live in a world without hearing their voice again. to live in a world with no rooftop dates. yet this is the first time i’ve been able to accept it without any repercussions.

i think life will always bring you back to the ones you belong with. no time or measure can change that love.

theres the season i don’t want to remember because quite frankly- i’m not that person anymore nor do i want to be.

theres the one where i decided to move across the country and not tell anyone. because now is as good time as any.

and then theres the season where i would spend days on the roof with my best friend crying and wondering if we were ever going to get out of it not knowing that that was a season in itself. that the brokenheartedness was only a season. that it had a time frame.

and those are strangely some of the days i miss most. my rooftop days don’t often come around anymore.

and i guess what im trying to say is that seasons come and they go. and we have to accept that right now- in this moment we, me, you are living in a season that will soon be over and another one will start.

i’ve always been scared of new beginnings, of starting over. of no one knowing my name. of not knowing who i am. of never being in love again. of no one ever loving me the way i deserve. i guess a lot of my fears are based around love because that’s where i’ve been hurt the most. but right now- in this somehow fleeting moment of security and confidence i am so ecstatic and ready for my new beginning. and i’m confident all those things will come.

and after this years convention- i am so confident that real love, true love, it never fails. in whatever form that may be.

and for those of you who have been here since 2016 know that a lot of my posts have revolved around dealing with hard situations, forgiveness, emotional wellbeing and so on.

although i was writing all of that, and i still wholeheartedly agree, at times i knew that there was still so much inner work to be done within myself to get to where i wanted to be.

to get to the flowers. to get to the forgiveness.

the flowers- the flowers are the blooming moments. this is the year for blooming. you and i have grown a lot. its time for these flowers to be as beautiful as our Creator meant for them to be.

did you know flowers can be dormant for a long time? they can be. but that doesnt mean they were never flowers to begin with.

you and i have always been flowers. you are beautiful. you are kind, i am kind. i can be. i will be.

it sounds cliché, maybe. but these are words we often forget to tell ourselves. i am so exhausted of thinking so lowly of myself, when i keep myself afloat and thats so much more than i ever give myself credit for.

i want to be kind to myself. because negative thinking patterns are hard to reverse but it can be done. there will be fall throughs- but if i’ve done it so many times before. i can do it again. and again, and again until its over. until all i can think of is how great my day was.

of how blessed i am to be living this life.

and there’s the forgiveness.

to yourself. to the you, to the me, that woke up this morning and immediately had a headache thinking about all the responsibilities. and those are just for today. to the me who is not happy all the time, but nevertheless she is trying.

earlier this year i wrote a list of all the things i wanted to learn to do this year. goals i was setting for myself. things i wanted to work on. dreams i strived to accomplish. one of them said “find the love of my life”. and looking back i don’t know what i meant at the time but i know what it means now. i don’t know if i was talking about another person, another kind of life, another mindset.

but now. now i see it. i was always the love of my life. if i could not begin to love myself, how would i go through this life like that? hating every piece? i couldnt, i can’t continue doing that.

thats not to say you can’t love other people if you don’t love yourself. because i’ve done it so many times before. and i like to think i always strive to put others ahead of me, because i love them. because it makes me who i am. and ive done so even when i didn’t love myself.

and although im not perfect or even close to liking myself as much as id like to, im much closer than i was.

and right now, as im laying in bed and all i can see is the ceiling spinning because today has been one of the days i cant get out of my own head- i remember something my sister has always told me. even if this is the worst possible day you could imagine it being- you never have to live through it again. you don’t have to go through it again. and oh how im going to miss her. i always keep those words very close to me.

if i lived through this not once, twice, but many times and i picked myself up. how wonderful. how serene. how gratifying it is to know i am capable of picking myself up and trying again.

i like to think of how proud 11 year old me would be. that i persisted. that im doing what i dreamed even if its terrifying. and im proud of her too. because she’s still the girl who loves to read. who loves spending time alone and who is so environmentally aware it’s actually a little funny. the one who takes pictures with her film camera of her favorite moments before they fly away. im still the little girl who won the spelling bee and spent my target gift card on yet more books. the hopeless romantic. the arizonian at heart who has cowgirl boots (what will i do with these in new york?)

im still her. looking up at the stars. contemplating all the possibilities. but remembering she cant choose them all.

as i pack up all my things in boxes, and along with that all the memories of the 22 years of life i have created for myself i am certain of only one thing between all the unknowns-

that i will be okay. that i will survive. that i will be happy.

i. will. be. okay.

that i will always have the flowers and the forgiveness. thats its time to forgive myself.

its time to love without bounds in between. to take a walk in my new neighborhood and wonder how i got here, but smile at every. single. part of it.

how its only once in a lifetime that your best friend decides to help you drive across the country to help you accomplish your hopes and dreams.

to serve the one who has given me everything without bounds. and how He has given me this opportunity and has guided every step of the way. what a loving Father and God i so undeservedly have.

to be so thankful, extremely just thankful that you have what you once prayed for. and the thing is- Jehovah knows exactly when the right moment is to answer our prayers. sometimes its right around the corner. sometimes it takes years. but when you get the answer- you KNOW. you feel it in your bones, in the innermost corners if your being- you know. its a beautiful thing when you ask for something for so long and now you realize why you didn’t get it. because it wasn’t good for you. and when its something thats so clearly for you- you will see the answers right in front of you. its something only you know, something you have to go through to see it happen, to see it change your entire life.

and i cannot believe this is my life.

and just drove across the country and packed all my things in my little subaru. and we went to chicago and a million other places and theres pictures and videos that one day i will show to my husband (lol) and possibly my children and i want to tell them how happy this made me. how even though i was scared i went for it and the circumstances weren’t perfect and i got about 10 anxiety attacks in between but i made it. i made it. im here.

and im going grocery shopping in a little bit. and somehow that calms me down.

im sitting here in the place i fell in love with when i was only 18 years old. its real, im here.

im sitting on the floor of this empty room wondering how i got here. the possibilities are endless. and im not just talking about paint.

im talking about life. its time to be brave. to face this head on. i just want to see myself be brave.

and i have never felt closer.

it really is the blooming season.

but darling, you are a river.

the rocks will break you.

the valleys will bend you.

but you will never stop.

because that is what you do.

you flow.

– vinati

and with that being said. i hope everyone who reads this knows that they can be brave too.

healing never comes from a place of comfort, it comes from a place of growth and accountability.

remember that breaking up with your past and running towards your future is never easy. the growing pains are real.

gift yourself flowers.

shower yourself with forgiveness.

never in my wildest dreams did i think i would get here today.

yet here i am- with a brand new mind in an old but new place. an old and new dream come true. the place that makes my heart beat.

-vi.

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