nothing changes, if nothing changes.
half of my 2019 was the worst and half of it was the best. this year i faced the worst of the worst fears that i had.
and i mean, it was honestly terrifying. but just like every year- we survive. its what we do. and i know, time is just an earthly measure of time that our brains sort of understand, but one year can really pick your brain and teach you a lot you didn’t know about yourself.
this past year i lost a lot of things.
starting with myself. i want to think that this was my peak point. the two years before that i felt very *floaty* and thats the only way i can describe my emotions and my life. like i was just floating and letting things happen because i felt like i literally could not control anything. and whatever i would try to control just wouldn’t work or it would go the total opposite direction. so i just let things happen to me. i want to say i even stopped trying at a certain point. i *knew* what my end goal was for this year which was moving to new york. but, even in that sense i felt no control over my plans at times. thankfully, i know i was blessed because everything worked out in ways that i never would have even imagined.
i lost people i NEVER thought i would lose. like when i say never, i mean never. ever ever. ever. one of those people, im honestly glad i lost. it taught me the value of being able to walk away even when you love someone. because if you value yourself as a person, you will have to walk away from people who hurt you. who openly hurt you and did for more years than should be allowed. this was the exact point at a restaurant in march where i lost it and i said no. and i took my power back. i took back the years of making myself small for someone else. someone who was never going to love me just as much as i loved him. and thats the moment i remembered who i was. thats the exact moment i found myself again. i want to take a moment to say how much i appreciate all the friends who helped me see the light in everything. who honestly held my hand and helped me through the messy waters.
the other person- i just honestly didn’t see it coming. i wish i could’ve done something to stop it. anything to stop the distance and the not catching up with eachother and letting eachother go over time. i know we can’t change the past- but there’s a lot to be said about wishing you could’ve just maybe done something else? something to make things go a different way. i wish i could tell her that she was one of the best people i’ve ever met. and that i love her. that i would have never survived without her. that sometimes, even though im very far away from her, i think of her. i think of her every day and i only hope for the best. i only hope for her to be happy. i only hope one day she’s not as mad as she seems to be at me, and we can just laugh about it and pretend it was all just a bad dream. but every bone in my body tells me we will never be those 20 year olds on the roof ever again.
and i guess thats what growing up is. you lose and you learn. and as hard as it is- you accept that some people played a bigger part in your life and story than you did in theirs. that maybe you just always loved them more. and thats okay.
i lost my fear of failing. which in hindsight- is a good thing. i decided to do things that terrfied me without knowing what the outcome would be. and hey- i’ve learned more about myself in the past 3 months than i’ve learned in the past 2 years. and that has to be something.
i lost my need to be organized and rigid and perfect 24/7. i was that girl. and although i generally still am- i don’t beat myself up over it anymore. i live a busy life. and sometimes that means i eat pb&j sandwiches all week because i barely have time to breathe. and sometimes i know that if i even think of laying down in the middle of the day i will fall asleep. and these have been the busiest, craziest, happiest, loveliest 3 months of my life. and i feel like before i might’ve thought i was happy. but man, am i happy. things are never easy, and they aren’t all what i thought they would be. they are expensive and time consuming (can someone say laundromats?) and sometimes annoying. but they are so happy. living this simply and out of my comfort zone i was sure i’d lack something but no- i’ve gained so much.
this is the first place in my entire life where i finally feel like i fit in. like this is what my whole life was leading up to. its full potential.
there are about 8 things more or less i want to do this year:
- complete my service hours!!! hard but doable.
- learn how to play the ukulele and start making more covers.
- hopefully get into dancing again (missin my ballet shoes righ abt now)
- have a healthy relationship with myself, my body and food.
- this year i want to create more. more videos, more film. more happy genuine documenting. it makes me so happy so i need to do more of it.
- go to the city and watch a broadway musical
- somehow get my hands on a super 8mm film camera. it would make my total and complete life.
- do things that genuinely make me happy every single day. little joys. its the little joys.
and heres what i supposedly learned:
- i will never under any circumstances work a full time job again- that is a vow and promise i will make to myself for forever
- love shows up in so many different ways. you just have to pay attention
- love languages are real. pay attention to them!!!
- its okay to miss people. its okay to tell them. it doesn’t make you weak. it makes you human.
- its okay that your conscience is different than someone else’s. it doesn’t make you stuck up or polished or whatever. it just to me- makes you a more aware person.
- how much i love my family and my culture. as i was getting ready to leave- i started to hone down and realize what things made me, me. and it all came down to the things i grew up with.
- i learned to appreciate my parents a lot more. they aren’t perfect. but they do so much. and they mean so much. and they are really that much.
- i learned that people leave and you can’t control when they leave or why they leave or if they leave. or really if it has anything to do with you.
- i learned to be thankful for the time people gave me, whether it was years or months.
- i learned that my mind really doesn’t function well if im not creating. which is why i have the goal of creating more.
- people will show up for you in unimaginable ways. please let them. don’t close yourself off to love and attention.
- i learned to spend time alone again. and to love it. for a period of time there, i felt like i couldn’t be alone. but now i love it again.
- i learned to stop being embarrassed. im a very naturally introverted person but i promised myself this year i’d start getting out there more. that i would stop being so self conscious. (which im def still working on btw)
- i learned that im the loving type. i love and i love and i dont ever stop. and i learned to accept that about myself. i’ve been made to feel at times that it was a weakness to let people back in like that. but i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again- if i love someone, i will love them until i die. even if i never hear from them again.
- vulnerability does not mean weakness. im a firm believer in saying things when you feel them. tell people you love them even if you think it will ruin everything. tell them you miss them and you can’t live without them. just tell them. i stopped holding back, mostly because (if you know me well) you know that i can’t physically or emotionally hold myself back too much either way.you say things, you tell the truth and you go from there. you go from there. things can either work or not but you won’t ever know if you don’t try.
- i learned to set myself more realistic goals. i used to have this super ridiculous high expectation of doing 20 things in a day which i won’t say is impossible but is downright degrading to yourself as an imperfect human who can’t do half of the thing you try doing- correctly. so no, i will not be trying to get up at 5am or go to sleep at 9 in the near future, but a girl can dream of getting a full 8 hours right?
- if someone is hurt by something you did, you don’t have the right to tell them to not be upset. what you can do is always, always fix it. always be the bigger person.
- i learned that i don’t like being around people who can’t own up to what they do. who can’t take advice. who can’t even confront or even talk when things get messy. this is just something i realized- and well i adjusted accordingly.
- this year i learned that the kind of love i want, is not unrealistic. i may not have it yet. but i can assure you its out there somewhere. on the face of someone who can’t wait to meet someone like me. and the fact is that i want something pure, honest, dare i say-life changing? i want the kind with flowers and walks in the park and aquarium dates and love letters, and a collection of videos explaining why i love them. and that does not make me hard to love. it just makes me honest about what i want.
- its hard getting older. its hard when you wake up and you’re 23. i speak for myself. in those moments i just take a deep breath and try not to look in the mirror too much. it drives you crazy getting old. i think it gets harder for me because the older i get the less time i feel like i have.
- i learned to accept that sometimes you find more family in people who are not your family. and thats okay. sometimes that’s the support system you always needed but never had.
- i realized how much i love arizona. i realized it the moment i set a date to leave to new york. i realized it the moment my room was empty. i realized it the moment i couldn’t stop crying when i was saying goodbye to my dad. when i was driving home from work for the last time. because i know it will be so different when i go back to visit. its not home anymore, and i’m afraid it never really felt like so. but the mountains can make you feel otherwise when the nostalgia hits.
- i finally understood what full circle meant. i could finally go back and look at the turning points in my life. i could look at them with a better knowledge about myself. one that i never had before. the kind that helps you understand that you went through all you went through and some things were easy and happy and some things were to put it simply- heartbreaking. but i don’t see myself here if it hadn’t been for all the things in between.
- the biggest thing i learned was that i knew what i was looking for all along. i could just never put it into perspective. and moving here. doing this. trusting people again. crying from the homesickness at times- they all make sense. i needed this. i found the me that i lost years ago. i found her again in the streets of the city and in the quiet parts of my little one lane town. i found her in the bookstores and the quiet snow days filled with apple cider and breakfast at tiffanys. i found her in the walks alone around the neighborhood, and the middle of the night laughs and taco bell runs with people that i never expected to find. i found her where she must’ve been trying to make her way to a long, long time ago. she was trying to make her way to the place that felt like home.
some words that really stuck in my head throughout this year:
the truth is that it hurts because its real. it hurts because it mattered. and that’s an important thing to acknowledge to yourself. but that doesn’t mean it won’t end, it won’t get better. because it will.
it hurt because it mattered. it hurt moving here. it hurt missing people. it hurt leaving my room. it hurt leaving my people, my friends. it hurt. because it mattered. it matters. so much. but you know what else mattered? my happiness. and this is only the start of what i want to say has been the happiest period of my life.
until next time. maybe i’ll write again in a year. maybe i will before and keep it to myself or maybe i’ll read it to someone.